Once upon a time, many many…. Wait for it…. Many years ago,
Hang Tuah and Tun Mamat was chilling out at the Istana cafeteria, enjoying a cup of coffee and chewing on some tobacco.
“Hang Tuah, why do you want to slack here? Don’t they have a good cafeteria down the road?” asked Tun Mamat.
“Mat. I’m old. I don’t want to travel far. Lets just sit here and enjoy what we have now. Plus, I can get a Laksamana discount.” Answered Hang Tuah.
Suddenly, down the hallway, Sultan Mahmud was pacing looking at his iphone. He turns and saw Hang Tuah. “Yes. The person I’m looking for.”
“Hang Tuah! Hang Tuah! Come here!” shouted the Sultan.
Hang Tuah and Tun Mamat hurriedly ran to the Sultan. “Wahai tuanku beribu ribu am-“
“Ya ya ya.” The Sultan waved his hands. “Tuah, check this out. Pretty or not?” the Sultan asked, showing his phone to Tuah.
“Yes your highness. She is pretty. Who is she may I ask your highness?” Tuah said.
“She. My friend. Is Puteri Gunung Ledang. I saw her at facebook. Her nickname is mountainmystic27.” Said the Sultan. “Now I want you to go to Gunung Ledang and get her to marry me. I’ve already put a shoutout on her wall telling her that you and Tun Mamat will be coming.”
The message look like this.
Hotsultan36 : “Yo my Puteri. My peeps are coming down to bring you here today. See you soon. XOXOX”
Hang Tuah and Tun Mamat set foot to Gunung Ledang.
“See la Tuah. I told you go eat somewhere else….. noooooo… discount la. Tired la.” Grumbled Tun Mamat.
“Ya ya ya. Wait Mamat. I think we’re here. What beautiful garden this place has.” Hang Tuah said.
An old scary looking women suddenly appeared in front of them and said “Yes?”
“SIAL!” screamed Hang Tuah and Tun Mamat (jumping a few metres behind).
“Who are you?!” asked Hang Tuah.
“What you mean ‘Who are you?’? You came here. Who are you?” the old lady said.
“I’m Hang Tuah. I come here looking for mountainmys- I mean Puteri Gunung Ledang. Please don’t tell me you are her. My king will flip!” Hang Tuah said.
“No. I’m not her. I’m her maid (Good morning mum, good morning dad). I’ll go and get her for you.” After saying that, the old lady walked behind a tree.
“Tuah. For a moment I thought that was the Puteri. You know la this days…. People never put the right picture of themselves on their facebook.” Tun Mamat said.
“I know Tun Mamat. I know.” Hang Tuah said.
“Friends! My Queen has decided. If your Sultan wants to meet her and marry her. She has a few conditions that need to be fulfilled. They are….” The old lady said but was interrupted by Tuah.
“WAIT!!!!! Let me write this down.” Tuah said. He took out a notebook and Tun Mamat passed him a pen. “Carry on”
“Ok. The conditions are.
· A golden bridge for her to walk to Malacca from the mountain,
· A silver bridge for her to return from Malacca to the mountain,
· Seven jars of virgin's tears,
· Seven bowls of betel nut juice,
· Seven trays filled with hearts of fleas,
· Seven trays filled with hearts of mosquitoes, and
· A bowl of the blood of the Sultan's young son.
Got everything?” asked the old lady.
“A bridge eh. Seven jars of virgins’ tears. Can can. I let my King know.” Tuah said.
Now…. We’ll fast forward to how they got the things.
Hang Tuah and Tun Mamat got the golden bridge, the silver bridge, seven bowls of betel nut juice, trays of fleas’ heart and trays of mosquitos’ hearts all at Mustafa Centre. The Seven jars of virgins’ tears were collected at a Justin Bieber concert held recently at the Istana.
“Alamak… the bowl of blood that one like very the hard to get eh.” Thought Hang Tuah.
Hang Tuah and Tun Mamat went to meet the Sultan and asked him, “ My Sultan, we have gotten most of what Puteri Gunung Ledang wanted but the last one.”
“What is the last thing on the list Tuah? Asked the Sultan.
“Oh. Nothing big la. Just a bowl of your son blood.” Tuah said.
“A what of the what of the who! Is that women crazy!” screamed the Sultan as he got up from his chair.
“Your highness. Please calm yourself down. No use getting frustrated. And sir, why are you wearing just your boxers with your royal baju kurung?” Tuah said.
“Its no pants Friday. I can’t give that woman a bowl of my son blood. That is insane.” Said the Sultan. “What do I do now?”
“My Sultan. How about you just forget about this Puteri Gunung Ledang. When me and Hang Tuah was there, we never saw her. All we saw was this old lady. Maybe it’s a case of someone being somebody else?” Tun Mamat said.
“Maybe you’re right Mamat.” Sigh the Sultan.
On the Sultans wall that night, he wrote this.
Hotsultan36 : "Kena bubble again.
With that, this story ends. You can see the real version here.