Monday, April 26, 2010
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
'Where have you been?' his wife demanded.
'I can't lie to you,' he replied,
'I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.'
She looked down at his shoes and said:
'You lying bastard!
You've been playing golf!'
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: 'There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered!
Have you been fooling around behind my back?'
The wife smiled sweetly and replied:
'No, not this time!'
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated,
and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
'I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz,' the mortician commented, 'I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part.
It must be saved for posterity.'
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
'I have something to show you won't believe,' he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
'My God!' the wife exclaimed, 'Schwartz is dead!'
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
'Hurry,' she said, 'stand in the corner.'
She rubbed baby oil all over him, and then dusted him with talcum powder.
'Don't move until I tell you,' she said. 'Pretend you're a statue.'
'What's this?' the husband inquired as he entered the room.
‘Oh it’s a statue,' she replied.
'The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.'
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
'Here,' he said to the statue, have this.
I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.'
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked:
'How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man.
'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied:
'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied:
'The same thing I'm doing to his business down here.'
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly:
'I have something I must confess.'
'There's no need to, 'his wife replied.
'No,' he insisted, 'I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!'
'I know,' she replied. 'Now just rest and let the poison work.'
'Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?'
'No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
Daddy says, 'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.'
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table,
run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's
car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay Daddy, just a minute.'
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it Daddy'
And what happened honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around
screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she
isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped
out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that
you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, 'Swimming pool ?? We dont have a swimming pool !!
Ah, is this 486-5731??'
No, this is 486-5713.... .
'SORRY WRONG NUMBER !'
Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The
test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'who was the pig that did this
to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari
stops in front of their house.
A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an
Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells
them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge.
I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.
Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account.
If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.
If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on
the man's shoulder and tells him,
'You try again.'
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Thursday, April 22, 2010
2. I don’t love you. I merely enjoy tolerating your existence immensely.
3. You had me at “Stop following me!”
4. If you were frozen in Carbonite and taken by bounty hunters, I’d gladly disguise myself, infiltrate a fortress of intergalactic gangsters, threaten them with a thermal detonator, and defrost you myself.
5. To me, you’re like what Bert is to Ernie
6. If you were a handful of genital crabs, I’d never change my underwear.
7. I am your blank check. Don’t bounce me.
8. You... asshole....I....asshole....together....assholes....
9. You don’t know it, but right here, right now, is the point in the musical montage part of the movie. Let’s split a pretzel and go for a walk on the footbridge.
10. Not only would I die for you, I’d bitch slap Satan a good one, too.
11. I’d smoke five packs of you everyday and welcome each and every eventual tumour.
12. You’re like that pimple that won’t go away. Hard to ignore.
13. I "blood-pumping organ in an animate being" you
14. You're my "Ctrl+S".
15. In my eyes, you're biodegradable
I tried it on 19frets at twitter. Lets see if it catches her heart!
bath in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were
starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.
Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
* Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the
house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty, you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water."
* Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw - piled high, with no
wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery, and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."
* There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how canopy beds came into existence.
* The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than
Hence the saying "dirt poor."
* The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the
winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they adding more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a "thresh hold."
(Getting quite an education, aren't we?)
* In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle
that always hung over the fire. Every day, they lit the fire and
dropped things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight, and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
* Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.
When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off.
It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around
and "chew the fat." Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom
Of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or
"upper crust." Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.
Hence the custom of holding a "wake."
* England is old and small and the local folks started running out
of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a "bone-house" and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside, and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the "graveyard shift") to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be "saved by the bell" or was considered a "dead ringer."
And that's the truth... Now, whoever said that History was boring!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
1) Interview Questions and Answers
2) 50 Common Questions them Jackals will ask you
3) Common Questions that may make you shit in your pants
4) How to NOT dig yourself into a hole with your own shovel
5) Guide on Job Interviews, from what you wear to what you say
If all else fail
6) "Knock knock", "Who's there?", "I kill you"
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
- I had to teach the temps on how to use the equipment.
- Do you know how long it takes to give a dollar to every Santa you see?
- I was in a meeting. ..... What, you weren't invited? That's messed up.
- It's always in crises after another.
- I had to show the new worker something.
- Your watch must be fast.
- Don't be too hasty in judging me and then trying to oust me. If I am found to have done something wrong, then I ask to be forgiven. - Indonesian President Abdurrahman Wahid, who is alleged to have been involved in two financial scandals involving some six million dollars, and who acknowledged that according to the results of the last election, his deputy, Megawati Sukarnoputri, should have been elected president.
- The new manager needed some help understanding the reports that were filed by.....
- I got pinned down by Charlie.
- I wasn't late. I just failed to be on time.
- I'm working on getting everyone in position.
- I'm very busy at the moment.
- I wasn't paying attention.
- You never asked any of the other workers that.
- Well you see, it's like this...
- Funny you should ask.
- The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it. - Franklin P. Jones
- I shouldn't have said what I am reported to have said, and if I did, I apologize. - Jon S. Corzine
- Someone wanted to be a farmer; so I gave them a couple of arce's. - From The Last Action Hero
- I'm working on the next big thing.
- Want to talk about it over a bite to eat?
- I fell asleep in the shower.
- I ran into a parade.
- You didn't call to wake me up.
- I didn't want to play the game.
- I didn't want to seem to eager.
- I hear you're getting a pony.
- I was to busy sleeping to be on time.
- Let me get back to you.
- If I did that, I'd be real surprised.
- I'm very glad you asked that question; because that brings us right back to the issue of .....
- Is it Spring forward or Spring back?
- Could I get back to you?
- I'm not late, I'm early for next time. sticking my head in a moose. - Samuel Goldwyn
- I had a top level meeting with (Insert name of someone inportant here).
- Is it Fall forward or Fall back?
- Have you seen my baseball?
- I was, uh.....
- Could you please repeat the question?
- You should have told be to be here on time.
- I saw Elvis.
- It's not like I'm paid to come here.
- I thought time was on my side.
- I had to speak to the man in charge.
- That's all right, it's not my fault; all I need is some more training.
- I had to catch a Pokemon.
- I was, well you know...
- I couldn't find my clothes.
2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Wear them one day after your boss does. This is especially effective if your boss is of a different gender than you.
3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point, Sparky." "No, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Cha-cha."
4. Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them exactly what you're doing. For example: "If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom."
5. Hi-Lite your shoes. Tell people you haven't lost them as much since you did this.
6. While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive liquid. Call everyone Madge.
7. Every time someone asks you to do something, anything, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
8. Hang mosquito netting around your cubicle. When you emerge to get coffee or a printout or whatever, slap yourself randomly the whole way.
9. Put a chair facing a printer. Sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
10. Send e-mail back and forth to yourself engaging yourself in an intellectual debate. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
11. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has withdrawn from caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
12. Put your trash can on your desk. Label it "IN."
13. Feign an unnatural and hysterical fear of staplers.
14. Send e-mail messages saying there's free pizza or donuts or cake in the lunchroom. When people drift back to work complaining that they found none, lean back, pat your stomach and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
15. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair-dancing.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Because of your kindness:
* I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that it's good for removing toilet stains.
* I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.
* Forwarded hundreds of mails but still waiting for FREE DESKTOP, LAPTOP, CAMERA, CELLPHONE etc…..
* I smell like a wet dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer...
* I don't leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.
* I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they may ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill with calls to Uganda, Pakistan, Singapore and Tokyo...
* I also stopped drinking anything out of a Can for fear that I will get sick from the rat faeces and urine.
* I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account.. A sick girl that was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times..... (Poor girl! she's been 7 since 1993...)
* Still open to help somebody from Nigeria who wants to use my account to transfer his uncle's property of $ 100 million. So much trustworthy.
* I have forwarded 35 emails to 400 people hoping that Ericsson or Nokia will send me latest mobile phones but those models are also obsolete now.
* Made some Hundred wishes before forwarding those Ganesh , Tirupathi Balaji pics etc. Now most of those 'Wishes' are already married (to someone else)
NOW IMPORTANT NOTE :
If you do not send this e-mail to at least 11,246 people in the next 10 seconds, a bird will Pee on your head today at 7:30pm.
Nothing has happened till now........................ but who knows. So please forward.
He came to me one day and asked me, "How do i say you look lovely tonight?" in Malay. I told him, with a convincing look, "You punye tetek nampak besar malam ni." He smiled and took 15 mins trying to master that sentence with me correcting him everytime he said it wrong. Finally, the day came and they went out. I was at home when my phone rang. It was him. He said, "Dude, just to double check. Its.... you punye tetek besar malam ni. Right?" I told him "Wrong its, 'You punye tetek nampak besar malam ni'". "Oh ok....thanks man...wah tonight sure can get her in the sack!". He said his thanks and put down the phone.
A few days later, he met me and i asked him how the date went. He told me his date slapped him hard and left him then and there, covered with popcorns and his drink spilled all over the floor. His last words to me was, "Maybe i said it wrongly....I never knew that the Malay language is like the Chinese language. Say it wrong, and it means something else." We parted ways after that and i never hear from him again.
By the way. "You punye tetek nampak besar malam ni" means "Your boobs are big tonight". And yes, i did that deliberately coz that girl he wanted is my best friend.
Friday, April 16, 2010
- "I saw you from afar and u look so amazing. I can't keep my eyes off you to the point i stepped on dog shit"
- "Would you want to eat dinner with me? Kinda my last meal before i jump"
-"Hi, I'm Wan and i am an insurance agent" - This always drive the women away
- "Wanna go out with me for dinner? I swear i'll twit about it"
- "Hi, do you know. If we go out and eat together and we go dutch, technically we are not on a date"
- "Hi, i know this sounds weird but the moment i saw u, i know im going to want to eat u"
- "Wanna have dinner? Yes? Ok? Let me cancel on my date first"
- "If you dont want to eat with me than why not i eat, and u watch"
- "Hi wanna have dinner with me? I'm good at making people laugh. 4 of my dates choked while eating with me so far"
I'm guessing thats it for now. Actually the line i used to get Nura is a line from blink 182 song. Damn, how i got her is beyond my understanding.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Men: What to have for dinner?
Men: Why not we have steamboat?
Women: Don't want la, eat steamboat later got pimples in my face
Men: Alright, why not we have Si Chuan cuisine?
Women: Yesterday ate Si Chuan, today eat again?
Men: Hmm..... I suggest we have seafood
Women: Seafood no good la, later I got diarrhea
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women : Whatever..
Men: So what should we do now?
Men: How about watching movie? Long time we didn't watch movie
Women: Watching movie no good la, waste time only
Men: How about we play bowling, do some exercises?
Women: Exercise in such hot day? You not feel tire meh?
Men: Then find a cafe and have drink
Women: Drink coffee will affect my sleep
Men: Then what you suggest?
Men: Then we just go home lo
Women: You decide
Men: Let take bus, I will accompany you
Women: Bus is dirty and crowded. Don't want la
Men: Ok we will take Taxi
Women: Not worth it la... for such a short distance
Men: Alright, then we walk lo. Take a slow walk
Women: What to walk with empty stomach woh?
Men: Then what you suggest?
Women: You decide
Men: Let's have dinner first
Men: Eat what?
Wednesday, April 07, 2010
"Why has my life always been like this" he asked himself.
Suddenly, the dark skies of Bedok Reservoir lighted up and the clouds parted ways. A bright light descended from the skies onto the reservoir. Shielding himself with one hand, Jerry squinted his eyes and to his amazement, he sees a man descending from the clouds.
That mysterious man hovered on the waters of the reservoir and look at Jerry with eyes so calm. Jerry thought to himself, "Is this man god?"
The man came closer to Jerry and said, "Jerry my son, I am god."
Jerry, with eyes so wide open could only stutter "G-g-g-god?"
"Yes my son. I am god. I am here to tell you that you are the choosen one"
Upon completing that line, the area around Jerry lighted up and the wind blew hard as though it was applauding Jerry.
Jerry looked at the man and said.....
Friday, April 02, 2010
We were told that we may be put into next month Clap show. So only time will tell and hopefully we are playing a few more gigs before that comes.
Heres alittle preview we did during soundcheck!
1) Make my ball shrink everytime i have bike practice
2) Gotten me wet in so many occassions
3) Got a gig cancelled
4) Given me many bad hairdays and lastly
5) Allow me to take pictures with my childhood idols!
YEAH! Being in a band finally paid off!