Tuesday, September 21, 2010

:: Breakfast gone wrong ::

Continuing the historical lesson.......

Once upon a time, many many years ago, there was a street magician named Tun Jana Katib.

He decided one day to visit Singapore since he heard that the local food there is nice. He sms-ed his 2 good friend, Tuan di-Bungoran and Tuan di-Selangor to set a date for a tour of the city. During his tour, he walked past the palace of the King of Singapore and saw the queen looking out the window.

"Oh my," he thought to himself. "Chio bu sia"

Now there was a betel-palm growing beside the palace, and Tun Jana Khatib look at his 2 friends and said "My friend, (long intense pause) watch." He cast a spell on it and it turned into two palms! Coincidently, Paduka Sri Maharaja (da King) was having breakfast and saw what Tun Jana Katib did.

"Bastard!" screamed da King. "How dare he anyhow anyhow change my trees! Not shy is it?!"

"That is Tun Jana Katib my king. He's a street magician from the east" said one of his servant.

"A what from the what?! I don't care if he's from Tampines or Simei or Pasir Ris! How dare he!" said da King. "Guards! Capture that David Blaine wannabe and sentence him to death!"

"My king, we can't suka suka just execute him" informed his servants.

"I don't care!" da King said, banging on the table. "If I can charge my people 10 cents to enter the public toilet, why not this? Capture him and execute him!" ordered da King.

Tun Jana Katib was captured and it took just one day for his execution to happen. Da King army men brought him to Katib Camp and prepared for his execution.

"Any last words magic man?" asked da King

"Kepalaotak! First you charge your own people 10 cents to enter the public toilets. Now this. I curse your country! May a thousand sand flies feast on your family jewel!" Tun Jana Katib yelled!

Raising up to his feet, da King said, "Wo, wo, wo, wo, wo. Family jewel don't play play ah."

"Ok. Fine. Hmmmm..... may a thousand swordfish attack your harbour? Is that cool?" asked Tun Jana Katib.

"Yes. That's ok" da King said, now seated back on his throne.

"Ok. May a thousand swordfish attack your harbour!" yelled Tun Jana Katib.

"Guards. Kill him!" da King ordered.

The executioner took a kris and stabbed Tun Jana Katib. In an instant he died.

Rumour has it that when Tun Jana Katib died, there was a man making cake nearby. And when Tun Jana Khatib was stabbed by the executioner, his blood dripped to the ground, though his body was spirited to Langkawi. When the cake-maker clapped the lid of his pan down over a clot of Tun Jana Khatib's blood, it turned into stone. Till this day, the stone is still there. Back to the story.

The harbour at Tanjong Pagar was indead attacked by a thousand swordfish, stalling the "legalise gambling area" that da King had in mind. Day by day, many of his workers died.

"How can this be? I'm losing hundreds of dollars on insurance pay out to the victim families! I have to stop this. Slaves! Bring me my red fast horse! I want to see what's happening at Tanjong Pagar." da King said.

Upon reaching Tanjong Pagar, da King saw himself, thousands of swordfish, flying out the waters.One by one, killing his workers. Suddenly, one swordfish flew out of the water and was heading towards da King.

"FUCK!!!!!!!" screamed da King. With a loud thud, the nose of the swordfish landed in between da Kings legs, just missing his family jewel. "All of you, form a barricade to protect me! All of you!" ordered da King. Alas, one by one, his human barricade was stabbed by the swordfish.

"There are so many banana stems lying around, why are all of you sacrificing your body to form this barricade. Take the stems, cut, and use that to form the barricade ah." a tiny voice from the crowd said.

"Oooo.Not a bad idea. Not bad at all" thought da King. Da King took out his loud hailer and said, "Testing, testing. All personnel, please go to the wooded area and cut out the banana stems. Next, refer to page 54 of the 'Dummies guide to barricade building'. Please be careful in handling your cutting tools."

Soon, the banana stem barricade was formed. In time, most of the swordfish got stuck on the stems and was killed.

"Who is the person who suggested this wonderful idea?" asked da King.

A small boy emerged from the crowd and said "It was me your highness."

"You are a smart boy indeed. Not as handsome as me. But still, a smart boy." said da King. "What would you like in return?"

"I would not like anything my king, as what I did was merely just my duty as a citizen of your country" the boy said.

"You are something my son." said da King. He rose from his chair and said, "Everyone, cheer for this boy! He is, a true hero!"

Everyone cheered as da King sat down and whispered to his minister, "I think this kid will be a problem in the future. Tonight, take him to that hill and make him swim with the fishes. Kapish?"

"Yes sir." his minister said.

Night time came and 2 of da King guards took the little boy to the hill near to the palace. There, one of the guards took out his long kris while the other tied the boy up.

"Sorry boy, bosses orders." said one of the guard.

The guard raised his kris up in the air and stabbed the little boy. The boy shouted, "macam sialla!!!!" and fell to the ground. He bled and bled non stop for hours, making the hill turn red.

That night, da King received news on the weird death of the little boy and he remembered what he did to Tun Jana Katib. Adding to all of this, he pondered on the unnecessary deaths of his workers due to the swordfish curse. He hunched over to his wash basin and splashed water to his face. He looked up into his wall mirror and shook his head.

"Dammit! If only I had my breakfast at a coffeshop instead of at my house that day. I wouldn't have seen that idiot magician flirting with my wife."

The End.

p.s - This is only a story being told by me. No offense to all the characters being put forward in this story. You can find out the true stories here, here and here.

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