:: The boy who cry wolf ::

It's that time again where I infect peoples' minds with an infectious story. Presenting, "The story of the boy who cried wolf". Here goes!

During the kampong days, there was a boy named Ali. Being hardworking and honest are 2 important qualities of a child that Ali do not have.

One day, his father called him. "Ali! Ali! Where the hell is that boy. ALI!"

"Yes father. I'm here. What do you want?" Ali answered.

"There you are. I need you to go guard the farm. Sheeps are disapearing. I'm going to Giant for awhile." his father said, while packing his bag.

"But I was playing!" cried Ali.

"So? Go do as I say. The sheeps are important!" his father said.

"Fine! Can you at least buy me something from Giant?" asked Ali.

"No!" his father yelled.

"Miser!" whispered Ali to himself.

"What did you say!" screamed his father.

"Nothing, nothing" Ali said.

There he was, sitting down on a rock, looking at the sheeps.
"This isn't fair. Why must I guard all this stinky sheeps. Why must I do everything in the household. 'Ali, guard the sheeps. Ali, move that big rock.Ali, go pull that sword out of that stone. Ali, go climb up that tall tower and wake up the sleeping princess. Ali, this. Ali, that!' Why must it always be me!"

Suddenly, a friend of his message him. "Ali. Party now at my house. Parents not in. Lets get it on!"

"A party! Damn! I want to go there soooo bad. But I have to guard the sheeps." Ali said. He texted his friend back with this message, "Cant. Father asked to guard the sheeps."

A few minutes later, his phone beeped. "Cry wolf. Run away. People would start searching for it. Sheeps would be safe. You would be partying!"

"Hmmmm....what a stupid idea!" Ali thought to himself. He replied, "Singapore where got wolf!!!"

His friend messaged him back "Oh ya. Well, too bad. Party is still gonna happen. Booyah!"

"How. How do I get out of doing this." pondered Ali. Just as Ali was dreaming, a gust of wind engulfed the area. A cloud of smoke appeared and a fairie appeared right in front of him!

"Oh my goodaness! What are you?!" screamed Ali.

"I am, a fairie. I believe you would want to get out of baby sitting a bunch of sheeps and go party yourself silly instead. Am I right?" the fairie said.
"Hell yeah! But I can't think of any excuses right now to get out of this." Ali answered.

"Well, let me help you. I will grant you one wish." the fairie said.

"Hmmm.. I know! I want Singapore to have wolves!" said Ali.

"Wolves?! Why would you want that!" said the fairie.

"So that I can cry wolf. Get people to come here. And i can go to the party! It was a friends' idea." Ali said.

"You sure? You know you can wish to go to the party, or wish for a clone of yourself, or even wish that your father didn't ask you to do this." the fairie said.

"Hey! It's my wish! Do as I say!" Ali said, with both his hands on his waist.

"Ok. All you need to do is say it. Say I wish...." the fairie said.

Confidently, Ali said. "I wish that there would be wolves in Singapore, so that I can cry wolf and go to the party!"

With that, the fairie disappeared.

"Now..... lets try this." Ali said to himself. Clearing his throat, Ali shouted "WOLF! WOLF!"

He looked around, and not a single soul came running to him. "That's weird. I'll try again. WOLF! WOLF!"

Still, no one was running to him. No one was even in the area.

He saw an old chinese man, walking on the road. So he yelled again. "WOLF! WOLF!"

"Eh boy! You sibei siow ah! Singapore boliao wolf la! Pentan!" the old man said while walking away.

Suddenly, Ali heard a slight movement, coming from the bushes. "Oh no...." he thought to himself.

From the bushes, out came a pack of wolves.Looking at Ali. With saliva dropping from their mouth.

"Shit!" Ali said and took out his phone to text his friend for help. "Help! Wolves trying to eat me!"

Instantly, his friend texted him back. "Wolves? Ya right. Godzilla is doing the chacha in his underpants at my party. Have fun guarding the sheeps. Cheers"

"That's it. I'm dead.... WOLVES! WOLVES! SOMEONE HELP! WOLVES WOLVES!" Ali screamed.

The pack of wolves came running towards him and killed him.

Being hardworking and honest are 2 important qualities of a child that Ali do not have. Apparently, he wasn't that smart either.

The End.

The concept of crying wolf means saying a lie one too many times to the point that no one believes you when it actually happens. Therefore, here's one thing you should never cry out because if it actually happens, and no one believes you, you'll be in deep shit.

"The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire!"

:: Santa Clause is coming to town ::

The wall calender states,
24th December, not a day early or late
"This year will be special" he said
Because I'm sending presents to a country without a state

He took out a pen, and marked his map
Singapore. Yes. This year I will visit Singapore

Santa Clause got on his sleigh
And whipped his reindeer hard
With PS3s, Wiis and coals (meant for naughty kids)
Santa Clause flew, into the dark

Magical and powerful Santa Claus is
He traveled from the North Pole and reach Singapore in mere minutes

"Ho, Ho, Ho!" Santa Clause yelled
Laughing out load, flying faster than light
He looked at this tiny red dot and said
"Singapore, here I come for the very first time"

As Santa Clause reached Singapore, he said
"Ho, Ho, Ho! Merry Christmas."
"Ho, Ho, Ho, Ho! Holly crap! This place is freaking hot!"

Rudolf was no longer the red nose reindeer.
His whole body was red and so was his face.
"What hot weather this place is!" said Santa.
"Even my reindeers are sweating!"

Santa was about to turn back but said,
"No! The kids in Singapore have been nice!
Their believe in me is strong!
For them, I won't turn back. For them I will try!"

Flying thru Orchard, flying past the Flyer
Santa sleigh was flying faster, and faster
Suddenly his reindeer stopped
In front of a big blue sign

"ERP - In operation"
In bold yellow lines
"What is this ERP?" Santa thought?
"We have to pay to enter Santa" Rudolf sigh

"Pay?! I do not have cash with me now" Santa cried
"Go around it my friends! Daylight is coming!" commanded Santa
The reindeers followed the instructions and went around the big blue sign.
A bright flash of light flashed and Santa wondered "Could that be a lightning strike?"

Reaching a block of flats, Santa stopped on top of it.
"Where is the chimneys to get myself into the house?" Santa pondered.
"You have to go down the lifts sir, to get to the house" Rudolf said.
Santa went to an open lift and down he went.

Reaching the top level of the flats
Santa saw 2 man
With cans of paint in their hands
"Singaporeans are artist too, who loves graffiti art like i do!" Santa said

He looked at the door of the unit and saw the words "OSPS"
"Oh! I bet OSPS means 'Only Santa Pleases Singapore'!" Santa said.
He went up to the 2 man and said "Let me help you decorate that my friends"
Baffled and shocked, the 2 man handed him the can

Just when Santa was ready to write
"Merry Christmas Singapore"
He heard a loud and commanding voice
Saying "Put your hands up and leave that can on the floor!"

With cans in his hands, Santa held his hand up
Saying, "Whats is this? What have I done?"
"You are under arrest for loan shark activities!
Although the Santa outfit is the first of its kind, it doesn't change anything!" said the policeman

"Wait officers, I think you've got it wrong" Santa said
"Shut up asshole! I've been observing you for long!" the policeman said
Suddenly out of nowhere Santa heard, "Santa Clause, here, jump out of the ledge"
Seeing Rudolf was there, Santa jumped into his flying sleigh.

"Oh my god, that was close.
If I was put in jail, I'll be exposed!
This place is too hot, to continue to roam
Rudolf my friend, it's time for us to go home"

There's no merry laughter, there's no "Ho, ho, ho"
With a sad sweaty face, Santa went home.
Reaching the North Pole, Santa face was covered in ice
So was his reindeer, coz their sweats froze to ice

"How was Singapore my dear?" asked Mrs Clause
"That place wasn't only humid and hot!
There was no chimneys at all!
I was mistaken to be a loan shark,
Although I wasn't in the sea
Why they thought I was a shark
When all I did was helped 2 man do graffiti."

"Oh dear, you must be tired. But I guess Singapore loves you
There's a letter for you from their TP! Addressed to you!" Mrs Clause said.
"I wonder what TP means and why it was sent
Could it mean 'Thankful people'? Honey, quick, Pass me my pen!
I could be wrong about Singapore, like I was with Japan.
Oh how excited, how excited I am" Santa screamed!

With his chubby finger, he opened the letter
Took out his glasses, from inside his drawers
Slowly he read, word for word, letter by letter
"Evasion of ERP gentry and failure to pay ERP charges - $28"

:: Lover's letter ::

Dear lover,

Your love to me is like yogurt. Rich, creamy, pasteurized milk. You are milk that can be eaten. The multi-flavors you give to our love is purely enriching. It took us a long time to change what was first milk, into yogurt. You strengthen my bones and prevent arthritis. I savor all the rich creamy flavors which only you can offer me.

Love,
Your ex-husband

P.s - I'm VERY lactose intolerant.


This isn't a letter for my gf. So please babe, don't murder me.

:: Online dating ::

Once upon a time, many many…. Wait for it…. Many years ago,

Hang Tuah and Tun Mamat was chilling out at the Istana cafeteria, enjoying a cup of coffee and chewing on some tobacco.

“Hang Tuah, why do you want to slack here? Don’t they have a good cafeteria down the road?” asked Tun Mamat.

“Mat. I’m old. I don’t want to travel far. Lets just sit here and enjoy what we have now. Plus, I can get a Laksamana discount.” Answered Hang Tuah.

Suddenly, down the hallway, Sultan Mahmud was pacing looking at his iphone. He turns and saw Hang Tuah. “Yes. The person I’m looking for.”

“Hang Tuah! Hang Tuah! Come here!” shouted the Sultan.

Hang Tuah and Tun Mamat hurriedly ran to the Sultan. “Wahai tuanku beribu ribu am-“

“Ya ya ya.” The Sultan waved his hands. “Tuah, check this out. Pretty or not?” the Sultan asked, showing his phone to Tuah.

“Yes your highness. She is pretty. Who is she may I ask your highness?” Tuah said.

“She. My friend. Is Puteri Gunung Ledang. I saw her at facebook. Her nickname is mountainmystic27.” Said the Sultan. “Now I want you to go to Gunung Ledang and get her to marry me. I’ve already put a shoutout on her wall telling her that you and Tun Mamat will be coming.”

The message look like this.

Hotsultan36 : “Yo my Puteri. My peeps are coming down to bring you here today. See you soon. XOXOX”

Hang Tuah and Tun Mamat set foot to Gunung Ledang.

“See la Tuah. I told you go eat somewhere else….. noooooo… discount la. Tired la.” Grumbled Tun Mamat.

“Ya ya ya. Wait Mamat. I think we’re here. What beautiful garden this place has.” Hang Tuah said.

An old scary looking women suddenly appeared in front of them and said “Yes?”

“SIAL!” screamed Hang Tuah and Tun Mamat (jumping a few metres behind).

“Who are you?!” asked Hang Tuah.

“What you mean ‘Who are you?’? You came here. Who are you?” the old lady said.

“I’m Hang Tuah. I come here looking for mountainmys- I mean Puteri Gunung Ledang. Please don’t tell me you are her. My king will flip!” Hang Tuah said.

“No. I’m not her. I’m her maid (Good morning mum, good morning dad). I’ll go and get her for you.” After saying that, the old lady walked behind a tree.

“Tuah. For a moment I thought that was the Puteri. You know la this days…. People never put the right picture of themselves on their facebook.” Tun Mamat said.

“I know Tun Mamat. I know.” Hang Tuah said.

“Friends! My Queen has decided. If your Sultan wants to meet her and marry her. She has a few conditions that need to be fulfilled. They are….” The old lady said but was interrupted by Tuah.

“WAIT!!!!! Let me write this down.” Tuah said. He took out a notebook and Tun Mamat passed him a pen. “Carry on”

“Ok. The conditions are.

· A golden bridge for her to walk to Malacca from the mountain,

· A silver bridge for her to return from Malacca to the mountain,

· Seven jars of virgin's tears,

· Seven bowls of betel nut juice,

· Seven trays filled with hearts of fleas,

· Seven trays filled with hearts of mosquitoes, and

· A bowl of the blood of the Sultan's young son.

Got everything?” asked the old lady.

“A bridge eh. Seven jars of virgins’ tears. Can can. I let my King know.” Tuah said.

Now…. We’ll fast forward to how they got the things.

Hang Tuah and Tun Mamat got the golden bridge, the silver bridge, seven bowls of betel nut juice, trays of fleas’ heart and trays of mosquitos’ hearts all at Mustafa Centre. The Seven jars of virgins’ tears were collected at a Justin Bieber concert held recently at the Istana.

“Alamak… the bowl of blood that one like very the hard to get eh.” Thought Hang Tuah.

Hang Tuah and Tun Mamat went to meet the Sultan and asked him, “ My Sultan, we have gotten most of what Puteri Gunung Ledang wanted but the last one.”

“What is the last thing on the list Tuah? Asked the Sultan.

“Oh. Nothing big la. Just a bowl of your son blood.” Tuah said.

“A what of the what of the who! Is that women crazy!” screamed the Sultan as he got up from his chair.

“Your highness. Please calm yourself down. No use getting frustrated. And sir, why are you wearing just your boxers with your royal baju kurung?” Tuah said.

“Its no pants Friday. I can’t give that woman a bowl of my son blood. That is insane.” Said the Sultan. “What do I do now?”

“My Sultan. How about you just forget about this Puteri Gunung Ledang. When me and Hang Tuah was there, we never saw her. All we saw was this old lady. Maybe it’s a case of someone being somebody else?” Tun Mamat said.

“Maybe you’re right Mamat.” Sigh the Sultan.

On the Sultans wall that night, he wrote this.

Hotsultan36 : "Kena bubble again.

With that, this story ends. You can see the real version here.

:: Breakfast gone wrong ::

Continuing the historical lesson.......

Once upon a time, many many years ago, there was a street magician named Tun Jana Katib.

He decided one day to visit Singapore since he heard that the local food there is nice. He sms-ed his 2 good friend, Tuan di-Bungoran and Tuan di-Selangor to set a date for a tour of the city. During his tour, he walked past the palace of the King of Singapore and saw the queen looking out the window.

"Oh my," he thought to himself. "Chio bu sia"

Now there was a betel-palm growing beside the palace, and Tun Jana Khatib look at his 2 friends and said "My friend, (long intense pause) watch." He cast a spell on it and it turned into two palms! Coincidently, Paduka Sri Maharaja (da King) was having breakfast and saw what Tun Jana Katib did.

"Bastard!" screamed da King. "How dare he anyhow anyhow change my trees! Not shy is it?!"

"That is Tun Jana Katib my king. He's a street magician from the east" said one of his servant.

"A what from the what?! I don't care if he's from Tampines or Simei or Pasir Ris! How dare he!" said da King. "Guards! Capture that David Blaine wannabe and sentence him to death!"

"My king, we can't suka suka just execute him" informed his servants.

"I don't care!" da King said, banging on the table. "If I can charge my people 10 cents to enter the public toilet, why not this? Capture him and execute him!" ordered da King.

Tun Jana Katib was captured and it took just one day for his execution to happen. Da King army men brought him to Katib Camp and prepared for his execution.

"Any last words magic man?" asked da King

"Kepalaotak! First you charge your own people 10 cents to enter the public toilets. Now this. I curse your country! May a thousand sand flies feast on your family jewel!" Tun Jana Katib yelled!

Raising up to his feet, da King said, "Wo, wo, wo, wo, wo. Family jewel don't play play ah."

"Ok. Fine. Hmmmm..... may a thousand swordfish attack your harbour? Is that cool?" asked Tun Jana Katib.

"Yes. That's ok" da King said, now seated back on his throne.

"Ok. May a thousand swordfish attack your harbour!" yelled Tun Jana Katib.

"Guards. Kill him!" da King ordered.

The executioner took a kris and stabbed Tun Jana Katib. In an instant he died.

Rumour has it that when Tun Jana Katib died, there was a man making cake nearby. And when Tun Jana Khatib was stabbed by the executioner, his blood dripped to the ground, though his body was spirited to Langkawi. When the cake-maker clapped the lid of his pan down over a clot of Tun Jana Khatib's blood, it turned into stone. Till this day, the stone is still there. Back to the story.

The harbour at Tanjong Pagar was indead attacked by a thousand swordfish, stalling the "legalise gambling area" that da King had in mind. Day by day, many of his workers died.

"How can this be? I'm losing hundreds of dollars on insurance pay out to the victim families! I have to stop this. Slaves! Bring me my red fast horse! I want to see what's happening at Tanjong Pagar." da King said.

Upon reaching Tanjong Pagar, da King saw himself, thousands of swordfish, flying out the waters.One by one, killing his workers. Suddenly, one swordfish flew out of the water and was heading towards da King.

"FUCK!!!!!!!" screamed da King. With a loud thud, the nose of the swordfish landed in between da Kings legs, just missing his family jewel. "All of you, form a barricade to protect me! All of you!" ordered da King. Alas, one by one, his human barricade was stabbed by the swordfish.

"There are so many banana stems lying around, why are all of you sacrificing your body to form this barricade. Take the stems, cut, and use that to form the barricade ah." a tiny voice from the crowd said.

"Oooo.Not a bad idea. Not bad at all" thought da King. Da King took out his loud hailer and said, "Testing, testing. All personnel, please go to the wooded area and cut out the banana stems. Next, refer to page 54 of the 'Dummies guide to barricade building'. Please be careful in handling your cutting tools."

Soon, the banana stem barricade was formed. In time, most of the swordfish got stuck on the stems and was killed.

"Who is the person who suggested this wonderful idea?" asked da King.

A small boy emerged from the crowd and said "It was me your highness."

"You are a smart boy indeed. Not as handsome as me. But still, a smart boy." said da King. "What would you like in return?"

"I would not like anything my king, as what I did was merely just my duty as a citizen of your country" the boy said.

"You are something my son." said da King. He rose from his chair and said, "Everyone, cheer for this boy! He is, a true hero!"

Everyone cheered as da King sat down and whispered to his minister, "I think this kid will be a problem in the future. Tonight, take him to that hill and make him swim with the fishes. Kapish?"

"Yes sir." his minister said.

Night time came and 2 of da King guards took the little boy to the hill near to the palace. There, one of the guards took out his long kris while the other tied the boy up.

"Sorry boy, bosses orders." said one of the guard.

The guard raised his kris up in the air and stabbed the little boy. The boy shouted, "macam sialla!!!!" and fell to the ground. He bled and bled non stop for hours, making the hill turn red.

That night, da King received news on the weird death of the little boy and he remembered what he did to Tun Jana Katib. Adding to all of this, he pondered on the unnecessary deaths of his workers due to the swordfish curse. He hunched over to his wash basin and splashed water to his face. He looked up into his wall mirror and shook his head.

"Dammit! If only I had my breakfast at a coffeshop instead of at my house that day. I wouldn't have seen that idiot magician flirting with my wife."

The End.

p.s - This is only a story being told by me. No offense to all the characters being put forward in this story. You can find out the true stories here, here and here.

:: What creature is that? ::

Today is a good day to know alittle tiny bit more about the country I live in. Lets track back to the pre-Raffles era of Singapore.

Long before your time…

Sang Nila Utama, a prince of Palembang, was out hunting at one of the islands in Riau (Indonesia). A deer caught his attention and off he went, chasing for the kill. He came to a very large rock and decided “hey maybe I should climb it”. Climb the large rock he did. Once he was at the top, he saw (in the distance) an island with a sandy beach. The island, to him, looks like a large piece of white cloth.

“What land is that?” asked Sang Nila Utama.

“I believe that is Temasek my lord” answered his trusted minister (also known as his “left ball” or “ambre” now).

“We shall visit Temasek!” Sang Nila Utama shouted with fist in the air.

Relieved was the deer he was chasing as the mysterious Temasek has saved its life.

Now, we shall fast forward this story alittle bit. I’ll summarise some parts of what happen during the voyage.

- A storm hit the boat Sang Nila Utama was in

- He had to throw anything heavy out to sea as his ship was taking in water

- Only when he threw his crown into the sea did the storm stopped.

Sang Nila Utama finally landed at the mouth of the present-day Singapore River and decided, “now lets hunt!” The moment he said that, a strange animal with a red body, black head and a white breast appeared. It was an awesomely leuwau looking animal and it moved with great speed as it disappeared into the forest. Most people would have shake and stutter at the sight of such greatness. Not Sang Nila Utama, who decided upon seeing that animal to ask his left b--, I mean his trusted minister,

“What animal was that?”

“Sir, that fine looking animal is probably a lion.” Answered his minister.

“I see. Than, we shall screw the name Temasek and name this place…. Wait for it… Singapura!” claimed Sang Nila Utama with his right fist up high in the air.

His ministers cheered and clapped. Sang Nila Utama ruled Singapura for 48 years after that day.

Little did his majesty know, that his minister was wrong. Singapura (which means Lion City in Malay) was the wrong name given at that time. Why? Because recent research has shown that lions have never ever lived in Singapore. What they saw probably was a tiger. I guess this is what should have probably happen.

… who decided upon seeing that animal to ask his left b--, I mean his trusted minister,

“What animal was that?”

“Sir, that fine looking animal is probably a lion.” Answered his minister.

“I see. Are you sure? “ asked his Majesty.

“Yes sir. I read somewhere that a lion looks like what your majesty have just said.” Answered his minister.

“Really? The thing is my friend, I know someone who knows someone who have talked to someone who has shown him a picture of a lion. The first thing he noticed is that lions have a mane. I don’t see any mane on that particular creature. Do you take me as a fool!” screams Sang Nila Utama

“No sir! I do not take you as a fool! Pardon my idiotness. I’m such a stooge!” the minister said as he knelt down on his majesty feet.

“Imbecile! That! My fellow subjects….” Sang Nila Utama said pointing to the direction of where the animal was at, “Is a Kucinta! Therefore, screw the name Temasek! I shall name this place…. Wait for it… Kucintapura!” claimed Sang Nila Utama with his right fist up high in the air.

His fellow minister cheered as Sang Nila Utama held his fist up high, looking upwards towards the sky, soaking in the praises and congratulations thrown to him by his subjects.

p.s - I just like to add that although this is a twisted rendition of the story, no form of disrespect is to be aimed to the Deer, Tiger, Lion, Minister, Angry Ocean, Sang Nila Utamas crown or Sang Nila Utama himself. Read the REAL articles here and here.

:: You are the chosen one ::

Jerry is a middle age man. Unmarried, unemployed and poor. One fine night, he went over to Bedok Reservoir to ponder on his miserable life.

"Why has my life always been like this" he asked himself.

Suddenly, the dark skies of Bedok Reservoir lighted up and the clouds parted ways. A bright light descended from the skies onto the reservoir. Shielding himself with one hand, Jerry squinted his eyes and to his amazement, he sees a man descending from the clouds.

That mysterious man hovered on the waters of the reservoir and look at Jerry with eyes so calm. Jerry thought to himself, "Is this man god?"

The man came closer to Jerry and said, "Jerry my son, I am god."

Jerry, with eyes so wide open could only stutter "G-g-g-god?"

"Yes my son. I am god. I am here to tell you that you are the choosen one"

Upon completing that line, the area around Jerry lighted up and the wind blew hard as though it was applauding Jerry.

Jerry looked at the man and said.....

"Oh shit!"